May 25th, 2007

Part 2 of Past Perfect Tenses


sandwits

Something I wrote a month ago. Here's the conclusion on my previous entry.  Welcome to my world.
 
04/01/2007
Sunday
 
This is just not my day. I have the three networks: Globe, Smart and Sun and yet I cannot contact the only person in this planet that I would like to talk to. I guess I’m going crazy again. It’s hard not to hear his voice. It’s hard not to hear him laugh at the corniest jokes I make. Every day that passes by without him feels like an eternity of waiting; waiting to have him near again, waiting to feel his touch, waiting to see him smile at the sight of me eating too much junk food. He loves it when I eat lots of pizza and tons of ice cream. It’s weird that even if I’m continually gaining weight because of him, he adores me more for it. Since I have nothing better to do right now, let me give you a glimpse of what’s making me busy these days.

Flashback

He’s my advanced birthday / Christmas / all purpose occasion present. It’s like wishing for a pink pony on your 7th birthday and then when you open the garage door, a magnificent unicorn appears. Talk about beating your expectations. I never imagined he would arrive. I’d be a hypocrite if I told you that I did not believe in fairy tales when I was a kid but experience taught me otherwise when I grew up. I am the black sheep of my family. I make decisions based on my impulse and I end up with the worst possible scenarios when it comes to relationships. My blog here is living proof that I have been through every imaginable crap there is when it comes to matters of the heart. From falling in love with a married painter who died recently if I may add, to a guy who pretended to care because he did not want to lose me as a friend. Let’s not forget teenagers with hormonal problems, rich intellectual types to down to earth homebodies. Believe me when I say I’ve seen them all.
 
Last Christmas, Santa must have decided that I had just about enough of bad luck so he delivered a gift wrapped in nostalgic trimmings. I have known him since I was 9 years old. Our parents have been friends since our first meeting back in Saudi Arabia. He was tall and lanky and I was this happy little thing without a care in the world. Over house invites, we played Super Mario and the ever popular doctor and patient role plays which made us good playmates if not friends. When puberty came, we fell in love. He was my first boyfriend and we were a great couple. I was the smart, student council / academic over achiever girlfriend who sings a lot and he was the athletic basketball mvp boyfriend who plays guitar. People would have killed to be us back then. Tragedy struck when my parents found out. They beat me up badly and he broke up with me eventually as I never had time for him because of my studies.
 
Six years after that fateful day when we stopped talking, he found me here in friendster. A high school classmate happened to have me as his friend and that’s where he first saw me again. He told me that he had found my page months before the actual time he had the guts to leave me a message which I find funny considering we had a lot of history. We started going out by the second week of December after he returned from Davao. It wasn’t really “dating” as things were a lot more complicated when I entered the picture but we enjoyed pigging out, singing at videoke joints, watching gigs or going to parks where we could stare at the sky and talk about the things we’ve missed.
 
He was taken back then. He had a live in girlfriend for 4 years and although she was cheating on him, he did not want to be the one to break it up as the girl’s parents took him in wholeheartedly. I tried my best not to fall in love. I even wrote about it so that I could repeat the whole idea in my head that this would just lead to problems. As always, I was not the type who would force another person into committing a decision he/she might regret in the future. I guess I only had two options at that time: either I wait, which was difficult since I was not a patient person or I forget the whole “meeting him again and finding out we’re the same two people back then” thing never happened. Again, I opted for the more challenging alternative: I fell in love. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but I was willing to suffer the consequences of my actions regardless if he felt the same way or not about me.
 
In time, things worked out for us. The other girl came clean with her misdeeds which had been going on for years now and she decided to call it quits. He was ecstatic as it was finally over and done with. The girl asked him to come back of course but this time around, he never looked back as he knew he had someone better waiting for him. On my end, I thank my friends for giving me the courage to fight for him. Albeit I was unsure in the beginning, during the months that followed our first meeting I knew that he felt fate’s intervention in our story. It’s like a big signboard over our heads with neon lights saying “this is it.”
 
Here and Now
 
If I’m asked to go through hell again to find that one needle in the haystack, I would. Every day I spend with him is like eating my favorite ice cream while smoking and listening to alternative music in the background. He is the reason why I believe that life is worth living and on sunny days when I’m not mentally defective, I trust that life is good and “happily ever after is possible” and I’m not even an optimist.
 
The New Conspiracy Theory:
  1. We get our heart broken countless of times
  2. We think we will never fall in love again
  3. We start thinking of being a lesbian / nun / or a surgeon who doesn’t have a life (Thank you Grey’s Anatomy)
  4. Then the unexpected happens and we fall in love
  5. And this time around it’s for keeps as we found the RIGHT one or the RIGHT one found us.
  6. Get married.

 Note:


The author’s object of affection is currently in Davao city where he is doing some chores for his mom. She has been trying to contact him the whole day but due to technical issues on network signal, has failed to do so. This article was made because the author has been whining the whole day and to alleviate her boredom she decided to do something mushy. If in case he reads this, she wants him to know that she loves him very much and that she’s just undergoing her every day “crazy” mentality towards not hearing his voice. By late May or early June – they plan to get married and have dozens of kids. I’m kidding, but not on the marriage part. If you are a friend – know that we accept donations. Cash or goods will be accepted. We love you.  


  By the way: *Current Update as of May 15 2007*

I got promoted at work! At the age of 22, I'm next to the youngest supervisor we have in the office (can you believe he's just 21? arggg..he beat me by a year!). Hopefully my training on being a team leader starts by June. Im excited as hell on finally handling my own team of agents.

 

Currently listening to: Every Little Thing He Does is Magic - MYMP
Currently feeling: quite sleepy.
Posted by sandwits at 04:47 AM | 1 isa, dalawa, isa

November 23rd, 2006

Past Perfect Tenses


sandwits

This is for you, gang.. 

They met when they were kids. He was this tall, lanky guy with eyes as dreamy as a poet’s soul and she was this innocent young thing without a care in the world. Their parents were both from the same ethnicity and over macaroni salad and spaghetti on one of their school presentations they hit it off perfectly, regardless if the kids were of different year levels and orientation (he was an athlete and she was a geek). Over coffee meetings and house invites, both moms bonded and between playing house and doctor, both kids grew up to be good playmates if not friends till it was time for him to go to another school, 20 miles or so apart from her. They were 9 years old then, an age where Barbie dolls and Super Mario ruled. When they met again, She was 14 and he was 15, both idealistic and full of teenage angst but with a different appreciation for the four letter word called l-o-v-e.


She was a social outcast. The role of being the new student is never an easy task and being a nerd who beat up boys who told her she was pretty did not help her at all in having new friends in this new school. On the other side, he was Mr. Popularity.  People envied him for being so good at playing the guitar as well as he plays basketball. Together they were a weird mix. They had the same taste in music and she was his muse. She would sing for him while they would walk through the corridors of their high school and over recess periods and lunch breaks he would always find time to make her laugh at the corniest things he ends up saying. They were known as “Kobe Bryan” and “Barbie Almabilis” and after a year of catching up, the inevitable happened.

Of course they fell in love, and they were wonderful at it. This was supposedly a match made in heaven since they have known each other for a long time and based on what little knowledge or perception we have of the four letter word during that age, that was good enough foundation to ensure that this was going to work out. For a time, approximately 7 months or so, they were perfect for one another. She was this shy smart girl who blossomed to be a leader with her own vision on how to go about things and he was the adoring, supportive boyfriend who half of the girls at campus would have killed to get and not once did he think about cheating on her (in as much as some girls were just throwing themselves at him). But they were too young, still too young to understand the complexities of life that would be thrown their way. He started feeling unappreciated and she started feeling insecure. Talking, which came naturally to them before started to become difficult and both drifted with their own coping mechanisms that ultimately led to their relationship’s dissolution.


He was the girl’s first and it was a given that the heartbreak would be interminable especially when he decided to jump into a new relationship not even a month after they broke up. She was inconsolable for a time and she kept his break up letter under her bed which she read every night before she cried herself to sleep. Ultimately, her parents found out and they condemned the boy’s family, waging an unspoken war underlined with disdain for what they had allowed to transpire. The next morning when she went to school after the eve of the revelation, bruises were all over her face and body but no tears fell on her eyes as she went on with her classes and her student council duties.

They had not spoken since then. She had a string of bad relationships: from a guy who wrote her poems everyday, to a guy who was young enough to sue her for corrupting a minor. You name it, she has been through it all and just like how the first one ended, every aftermath was tragic. On the other hand, he probably went through the same phase till the day that he graduated from high school, the only difference is the fact that she was worse. Despite of being an academic over achiever as she graduated class valedictorian amidst all the shit she has managed to get herself into, she was suicidal, depressive and always looking for ways to antagonize if not blame herself for every unfortunate circumstance that would and could happen in her future.  

…After 6 years


She heard from one of their high school batch mates that he is now a drug addict living with some girl here in Quezon City. She wanted to call him up but then there was no way for her to get his number. On the other side of the coin, she has managed to clean up pretty well. After moving back with her parents, she is slowly inching her way up of the corporate ladder to get the things she always wanted: ie – a car, house of her own and luxury items she doesn’t really need but wants to possess. As for her dreams and aspirations, she still plans to get back to school as having a degree in creative writing has always been her passion (aside from her promise that one day she will become a successful lawyer fighting for the rights of the poor and oppressed).

For some reason, this virtual porthole called “friendster” decided that they meet again. Accidentally he found her and from what began as simple notes on their inbox, they exchanged numbers and now she even got a smart sim card just for him.


Today after her shift at work, they saw each other. Just like old times, they hit it off perfectly. Apparently the rumors about him being an addict weren’t true. He plans to go to Japan this February to find lady luck there as he believes that it’s crazy to stay here and find a decent job. She on the other hand kept on teasing him that he looks like a “call boy” – with his white shirt and his skimpy jeans. They ate at a Persian restaurant to reminisce the good old garlic sauce times when everything was simple and afterwards they spent the whole evening walking around UP grounds, talking about anything and everything under the sun.
 

..What Becomes of Them?
 

He texted her yesterday. He was asking her if she still had feelings for him since on his end nothing had changed. She replied by saying that she still loves him a lot but circumstances surrounding them right now would not permit it: He has a live in girlfriend and she on the other hand wouldn’t want another failed relationship that’s doomed from the beginning.


They both know that they should stop seeing each other but even that has become difficult to do. Anyhow, so long as she remains numb about the whole idea they will be fine.

He was this tall, lanky guy with eyes as dreamy as a poet’s soul and she was this innocent young thing without a care in the world and after years of not seeing each other, they found out that they were still the same two people they knew back then. Sure, a lot of mishaps had happened, a lot of curve balls were thrown at them but if given the chance to go back in time, I bet they would have made it better. In truth, if they knew then what they know now, I bet they would even end up together.




 

 

 

 

 
Currently listening to: no one else - weezer
Currently watching: entourage season 3!
Posted by sandwits at 04:30 PM | 3 isa, dalawa, isa

October 16th, 2006

Did anyone say Emo? -- part 2


sandwits
You want Emo, this is EMO.

3 libras

*Imagine listening to A Perfect Circle's --3 Libras on this picture.

difficult not to feel a little bit
disappointed and passed over
when I look right through
I see you naked but oblivious

and you don't see me

dashboard confessional

* Get your Dashboard Confessional Cd and play out "Screaming Infidelities"

I hope you're as happy as your pretending
I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
I am alone, in my defeat
I wish I knew you were safely at home
I'm missing your bed, I never sleep.
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak.
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.
Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
And sit alone, and wonder
How you're making out.
But as for me I wish that I was anywhere
With anyone...

bad hair day

*One of the worst songs to listen to when you're depressed:

Try listening to Mean to Me by Tonic

Theres an empty place inside that is hurting me
A place that keeps my heart out on its own
A disconnected function of my wretchedness
That keeps me so hard pressed
Its a place where words are spoken you
Will never hear
A broken bridge of lines that just wont come
An empty lung that wont give the wind
To speak at me
How far can it be from home

far away

*My favorite tortune tune: Much Has Been Said - Bamboo

Much has been said
Said you never leave
Why’d it have to be
Harder than it had to be
Don’t you throw blame
You were a part of this
Wasn’t suppose to end
With us just walking away
So many times we tried
Holding on to the pain but in my baby’s eyes I see my shame
Asking why you had to leave
Wasn’t I strong enough to make you see
That the biggest part of this
It’s not about you and me
But just be wrong if we held on
Maybe tomorrow we’ll find
A taste for the old days hard lessons
We’ve left behind

Red


*And last but certainly not the least -- Name by Goo Goo Dolls

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name

-end-



Currently listening to: my eclectic mix of alternative songs
Currently feeling: about to sleep
Posted by sandwits at 08:04 PM | 3 isa, dalawa, isa

October 15th, 2006

New pictures


sandwits

Pain

1. Pain - Isn't this the perfect description? Nag trip na naman ako maging emo kunwari..alright so i'm really emo lately, that's because  some bonehead decided to rip my heart out again. i hope he dies sooner than he thinks. Anyhow, being or looking happy was never really my strength to begin with so I guess welcome back to the club.

Untitled

2. Do i look too quiet here? As usual my eyes portray the existential sadness of my soul emphasized more by the stillness of my expression. in short.. another feeling sad crap picture. My hair looks better when it's long so I have decided not to cut my hair till I have the same hair as Alanis Morissette (does that make sense?)

Untitled

3. Now isn't this a joyful looking picture? sorry, bitterness talking here. Anyhow I can look happy when i try my best to do so or when i keep that mental post it on my brain saying "smile like you mean it."

 

P.S. 

I know i'm not okay now but in a couple of weeks or months I will be, and then you my friend will just be another memory of a has been who will never find anyone who can love you better than i can or to state one of our main differences better -- you will never find a girl smarter than me. You'd be stuck to your pathetic types..those who are happily contented with your sappy lies. Now this is not just bitterness talking, what's sad is the fact that what i'm writing here is actually the truth.

Currently listening to: much has been said
Currently feeling: just woke up.
Posted by sandwits at 11:51 AM | 6 isa, dalawa, isa

October 7th, 2006

The End of the Beginning


sandwits

There are so many things I’d like to write about but every time I try to do so, words fail me. Tonight, I drowned myself in beer just to make my mind sober enough to think. I know it sounds weird but the more intoxicated I am, the more words flow out of me, expressing everything I have ever felt for this past month. Today is October 2. This would have been our first month together, we could have had a lovely dinner somewhere or had a romantic drinking spree while listening to our favorite alternative songs but I guess you had other plans because two weeks ago you said goodbye to the only person who would have been dumb enough to trade the whole universe for just a spot in your heart.

For the longest time, I have forgotten what it is to laugh. My eyes no longer carry the sparkle they used to when I hear my name being mentioned, probably because I always think of you when someone pronounces my name twice. You always had a way of making me smile even when I’m on my worst day. In truth, I made you a demi-god. Let’s define that by saying you were more than a knight in shining armor but with lovable imperfections that made you retain your humanity.

I loathe the fact that I am writing about you again but if it makes any difference, I am doing this to end something that should have never started in the first place. I was supposed to be a friend nothing more nothing less and as time moved on I decided to quit the game while I was ahead. The only thing I wasn’t counting on was you realizing that all of my previous notions were right.

Before my birthday this year, we were just friends. I was your sounding board when your world caved in. I was there when you felt like no one believed in you. I was the person who listened to you as you cried your eyes out for her. At first I was doing this as a return favor as you were once my savior when someone from your own family broke my heart, little did I know that you will to.

In as much as I would love to re-tell the endearing story of everything that has happened since April, I’d rather just congratulate you for being such a good liar and close this chapter in my life as quick as I can. Let me also tell you that with the role you played, you deserve nothing less than an Oscar for that believable acting that convinced me to even doubt myself.

What have I ever done to deserve this from you?

Nothing, right? That was a rhetorical question that needs no answering. The truth is and I will be a bitch for saying it, is that you are a user. I made you feel good about yourself, I showed you nothing but kindness and honesty and you just capitalized on the fact that I have been (and it pains me to say the word) loving you silently since April. You truly are one of a kind and I mean this in the most sarcastic way possible dearest. I’m hoping for your sake that the next person you will be with will see the same things I saw in you before because believe me your little sham isn’t really that good, I was just a willing participant.

So there we have it, thank you for almost 7 months of deceit. Don’t you ever try to speak to me again because you will not get my sympathy by trying to turn the story around. In all honesty my friend, you warrant pity for being the way you are. Hell I might be the dumb one here (and this is something that's hard for me to admit) but at least I wasn’t the selfish prick who lied about his true feelings ever since the beginning.

For what its worth, I pray that you find someone who DESERVES you.

 
Currently listening to: My Happy Ending
Currently watching: Entourage season 1 and 2
Currently feeling: bitter
Posted by sandwits at 03:06 PM | 2 isa, dalawa, isa
« Newer | »